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The iPhone Xs and iPhone Xs Max.

The iPhone Xs and iPhone Xs Max. (Apple)

A wag writing in Esquire magazine many years ago defined a lonely guy as someone who eats cold beans out of the can over the kitchen sink. Since nobody buys gifts for lonely guys, we have to buy them for ourselves.

Here are some gifts this lonely guy bought:

_Apple iPhone XS Max. It's got a great camera, and if you have an 8-year-old grandson handy, you can do somersaults and more with its camera and other features. My grandson shows me new tricks on his dad's iPhone every time I see him. I have to keep in mind that I can buy a Nikon or Canon bundle for half the price and still take outstanding pictures. The Max won't fit in my shirt pocket. I bought one anyway, defying my usual tight-fistedness. I love it.

_Amazon Echo. Yes, it will tell me the temperature in Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, and it can control my thermostat and lights, but at $80 it's an expensive toy. The $49 Dot does many of the things its big brother does. Speaking of Big Brother, I take it as a fact that either Echo device is listening in and using algorithms to determine which brand of toothpaste I use.

_The Logitech MX series mice (Ergo, Master 2S and Vertical). They're fancy trackball devices; the Ergo gave me a royal pain in my shoulder. You have to get used to using a trackball mouse. The price for suffering is $100.

_The Das Keyboard 5Q. Billing itself as the first Internet-connected input device, the $250 keyboard alerts me when my vast investments in the stock market are heading south. It alerts me when emails arrive or whether it's going to rain in Moose Jaw. If I were a geek in addition to being a lonely guy, I'd have kept the keyboard. Other Das keyboards, however, are excellent.

_Standup desk. People rave about these adjustable work stations that let you change the desk height when you're tired of sitting or standing. Either way, I've developed chronic shoulder pain because I can't adjust the desk as well as I can adjust a normal typing table. At $600, the motorized desk has been somewhat of a disappointment, despite my initial positive experience.

_Monitor arm. This exceptional device attaches to a desk and allows the monitor to be raised, tilted and turned. One of the few gifts I gave myself that I don't regret buying. I like the $200 Ergotron, which also sells a wall mount arm. Be careful to buy one that's compatible with the weight of your monitor.

_iMac, 27-inch, terabyte fusion hard drive, 32 gigs of RAM. I splurged on the iMac, but feel more at home on my protean Dell. That's $2,200 down Mr. Crapper's famous invention.

_iPads. If someone can tell me why the vintage 2015 iPad Mini 4 costs $400, and the regular sixth-generation iPad costs only $329, I will gladly share my can of beans and space at the kitchen sink, not to mention a one-way bus ticket to Moose Jaw. True, the Mini has four times the memory, but it's smaller, and its technology is aging. Why in the world has Apple abandoned the only iPad that makes sense for me?

_iPad cases. As I wrote last week, I splurged on one of the most expensive cases on the market, the $55 Zugu, when I should have been content with the Antbox, at half the price. Folks who need maximum protection will like the $80 Otter Box.

_OLED TVs. These sets have marvelous color saturation; blacks are true blacks, and whites are as true as the porcelain on my kitchen sink. But they can cost two to three times more than a high-end UHD set costs. I needed this one like another hole in my head, but there isn't a day that I don't marvel at it.

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_Amazon music. I keep asking Alexa to please play Beethoven's Fifth Piano Concerto, and it plays some random piano music. Forget opera entirely, if you're using an Echo. Neither the $100 Echo nor the $50 Google Home could find Beethoven's Piano Concerto No. 5. Hello, Spotify.

_Kardia Mobile and Emay EKG devices. If you depend on these two gimmicks to monitor afflictions such as atrial fibrillation, as I sometimes do, you'll head for the ER too often (with the Emay; the Kardia is less alarmist). I bought both of them for the sake of science.

There are more, of course, in my fool-and-his-money-are-soon-parted cave. But sometimes I feel like I should give up my toys and move to an igloo with no electricity in Moose Jaw, where I could take up ice fishing for recreation.

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ABOUT THE WRITER

Harold Glicken is a retired newspaper editor. He can be reached at helpware.column@gmail.com and a collection of his columns can be found at www.helpware-online.com.

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