Welcome to our continuing live coverage of the Billings Olympics.
We take you now to an uncontrolled intersection in the Terry Park neighborhood, where four competing motorists are all speeding toward one another. Wow, look at that! All four of them managed to collide in the precise center of the intersection without even tapping their brakes.
But if I’m not mistaken, the woman driving the Ford Focus will have a few points shaved off her score because she actually glanced to one side before entering the intersection. You can’t worry about your safety if you want to compete with the big boys.
Wait. Here come the results. The driver of the Kia SUV has won the gold! He was moving at 37 mph when he entered the intersection, 3 mph faster than the next closest competitor, and he was also talking on a cellphone and eating a hamburger.
And you can see here on the replay that he had his head back and was laughing when the collision occurred. That must have been some phone call — and what a winning spirit he showed!
Now we go to another intersection, this one downtown. Remember, the point here is to come as close as possible to hitting a pedestrian without actually doing so while failing to yield the right of way.
Close, but no cigar
Driver No. 1 rather disappointingly is at least three feet from that woman crossing the street. Driver No. 2 is looking better. Yes! He just misses an elderly man with a white cane.
But here comes Driver No. 3. Look at that! Spectacular driving! He is up on two wheels with rubber squealing and I don’t think he could be any closer to that group of kids crossing the street to the day care. That was a solid-gold performance.
And here’s the event you’ve all been waiting for: The DUI obstacle course.
Our first drunken athlete is driving a 25-year-old Chevy Impala with impressively bald tires, and just look at him weaving in and out of traffic. There he goes ... yes! He has clipped two parked cars.
Nice driving, but with only 13 DUIs under his belt he needed a lot more destruction than that. And the judges are telling us he blew a 0.24. Again, decent, but no winning numbers there, I’m afraid.
And ... what? The judges are now saying he was wearing a seat belt! He will probably be disqualified from future competition. That kind of unsportsmanlike conduct has no place in the Billings Olympics.
Which brings us to our second competitor, with a respectable 23 DUIs and a car with no rear window. Very nice touch.
Whoa! He hit a fire hydrant! Look at that geyser. Now he’s staggering around outside his car ... and ... he just did a clean face plant! Never even put his hands out.
What’s this? The judges are saying he only blew 0.16. Incredibly weak performance. And the face plant apparently was fake. Soccer, anyone?
And now on to our third and final competitor. My God. He’s got 31 DUIs in six states and he is actually smoking a joint while driving. What a nervy feat.
Incredible. He has just turned left in an uncontrolled intersection, narrowly avoiding a woman pushing a stroller and now he has run into a dump truck, throwing his 1983 Subaru wagon onto its roof!
Folks, this one is going down in Billings Olympics history. Let’s go talk to this gold medalist. He was thrown through the side window and he is lying in the street.
Sir, let me be the first to congratulate you on your stunning performance. You must be feeling great.
“Yeah, I guess so. Man, I never seen that dump truck until the last second. That was awesome!”
How much do you figure you drank before you got behind the wheel?
“I just had a couple a beers. ... Ha, ha! Not! Man, I musta drank a fifth of Jim Beam, a six-pack and three vodka sours. Dude, I am a pro.”
He certainly is, folks. When we come back, we’ll take you to the medal ceremony, where our driver is expected to fall off the podium, and then go directly to his arraignment, where he is likely to be released on $1,500 bond.
Up after that: red-light runners. Stay tuned ...